FIGHTING SCOTS CONSIDER QUESTION:
'ARE YOU READY FOR SOME BUTTERBALL?'

OMAHA, Neb.--ConAgra Foods, parent company of the Butterball Turkey Co., is reportedly in negotiations with Monmouth and Knox colleges to become the official sponsor of the annual gridiron classic between the two schools, said to be the sixth oldest rivalry in college football.

Officials from both colleges remained tight-lipped this morning, refusing to comment on reports that an Irish sculptor, who visited the Monmouth campus this week as a guest lecturer, is actually an artist sent by the Waterford-Wedgwood company to design a cut-crystal version of the famed Bronze Turkey trophy.

While this year’s contest is scheduled to be played at Monmouth’s Bobby Woll Memorial Field on Nov. 6, a Midwest Conference official acknowledged he had received several inquiries about rescheduling the game for Thanksgiving Day, Nov. 25. "We have explained that this would be impossible, as the Division III playoffs begin Nov. 20," said assistant commissioner Sidd Finch, "but they keep insisting ‘you’ll just have to delay the playoff schedule.’ They seem really serious about it."

According to Sylvester "Sly" Handler, director of corporate communications for College Sports Television, the CSTV network was recently approached regarding corporate sponsorship of a Division III broadcast. "We had initially been in negotiations with the Genie Garage Door Company regarding sponsorship of next year’s game between Mount Union and Ohio Northern, but when the Raiders were crushed by St. John’s in the Stagg Bowl, that talk pretty much went out the window."

When asked whether the network had later been approached about televising a Monmouth College game, Handler replied, "Yeah, I think so. You're in New Jersey, right?"

The original Bronze Turkey trophy was introduced in 1928 as a joint gift of the local Monmouth and Galesburg newspapers, the Review Atlas and Register-Mail. "This is a tradition that we have been proud to be associated with and we would be deeply disappointed to lose it," commented Review Atlas sports editor Geoff Holdt, who also organizes the Senior Shootout, a popular high school all-star basketball tournament held each June at Monmouth College. "I would hate to do it, but I might be forced to threaten to move the tournament to Western Illinois University."

Phil "Theo" Baldd, a recently-retired sports editor for the Peoria Journal Star and a longtime fan of the Knox-Monmouth series, is equally chagrined by the rumor. "For 40 years I’ve been covering that game, and now that I retire, it finally gets national prominence. Bummer."

Rumors of corporate sponsorship are causing widespread excitement on the Monmouth campus.

"I'm elated about the possible agreement," said Myles Pilgrim, chef/production manager for ARAMARK, the food services provider at Monmouth. "Butterball is introducing a new line of products, and we believe our dining hall could be a test market for some of those items like minced turkey pie, turkey jerky and a low-carb turkey spaghetti sauce."

"This would be a propitious publicity opportunity," said associate chemistry professor William Wattle, who is conducting research for his doctoral thesis on the role of tryptophan in the production of serotonin in the human body. Tryptophan, Wattle explained, is an essential amino acid prevalent in turkey meat. Asked if he is hopeful of receiving corporate funding as a result of the sponsorship, Wattle just yawned. "Well, I’m not losing any sleep over it," he said.

Monmouth’s student improvisational team "Scotch Tape" is also getting in on the action, having recently written the 3M Corporation with a proposal for corporate sponsorship. "To be really funny, you have to look and feel the part," explained Adam Lovinggood, a sophomore from Monmouth. "Wearing matching yellow T-shirts and having clever premises often isn't enough. You might not be able to buy happiness, but we think corporate sponsorship might help us buy comedy, so to speak. We think our audiences will be grateful."

That proposal may have backfired, however, as the troupe on Monday received a letter from the 3M legal department ordering it to cease and desist.

Still, sponsorship fever appears to be heating up locally. The newly consolidated Warren and Alexis school district, just east of Monmouth, which recently adopted the nickname "Red Storm" for its athletic teams, is petitioning Sciota’s West Prairie Cyclones to join the Lincoln Trail Conference. The annual meeting between the two teams would be billed as the Live Triple Doppler Bowl, with WQAD-TV in Moline providing corporate sponsorship.

Monmouth College president Richard Giese admonished the public not to jump to conclusions about the recent reports. "Intellectual inquiry is the foundation of the liberal arts experience," he said, "and speculation is the realm of fools."

Asked what that meant, Giese would only point cryptically to today's date on the calendar.

2004 April Fools Day Homepage