Hints for Halloween

by Brandon Athey
Features Editor

With Halloween just around the corner, I thought it would be the perfect time to discuss some dos and don’ts of the holiday so everyone could have a safe, happy October 31.

    -Do bob for apples.

    -Don’t bob for snapping turtles.

    -Do go trick-or-treating.

    -Don’t go trick-or-treating naked (unless that is your costume).

    -Do wear brightly colored costumes to avoid being hit by automobile drivers.

    -Don’t wear a costume that would lead to you being seen for miles at a time, like a green alien.

    -Do dress up as Darth Vader.

    -Don’t dress up as Jar Jar Binks

    -Do wear a properly fitting costume.

    -Don’t, by any means, wear spandex.

    -Do dress up in appropriately frightening attire, like that of a vampire.

    -Don’t use cheesy one-liners like “Fang you very much” or “You slay me.”

    -Do switch long distance carriers.

    -Do not try to carry someone over a long distance. Your back will thank you.

    -Do dress up as your favorite rock star.

    -Don’t dress up as Elvis. That is my costume and my costume only. Laugh if you must, but he is the King of Rock and Roll, after all.

    -Do read a scary story or watch a scary movie or two.

    -Don’t read or watch anything scary before bedtime.

    -Do drink.

    -Don’t drink the water.

    -Do go to a haunted house, but bring Depends.

    -Don’t go to a haunted house without Depends. I cannot stress this enough.

    -Do TP houses.

    -Don’t get caught while TP-ing houses    

    -Do the Monster Mash. It is a graveyard smash.

    -Don’t do the Monster Mash when trying to hook up with a beautiful ghoul.

    -Do wear socks.

    -Don’t dress up as a member of the Chicago White Sox unless you want to be severely beaten by Cubs fans.

    -Do dress as something or someone instantly recognizable.

    -Don’t dress up as something or someone obscure or abstract, like Rob Hale.

    -Do eat as much Halloween candy as humanly possible. The worse you feel the next day, the better you are (kind of like St. Patrick’s Day).

    -Don’t eat unwrapped candy or ignore the five second rule.

    -Do try and scare others.

    -Don’t tell others your worst fear (like spiders, for instance), because it will come back to haunt you.

    -Do dress up as Karl Rove in a room full of Republicans.

    -Don’t dress up as Karl Rove in a room full of Democrats.

    -Do have a good time on Halloween.

    -Don’t have too much fun, however… don’t dress up as Rob Hale, and for the love of God, don’t forget the Depends when you go to a haunted house.