It’s a Jungle Out There

A Not-So-Helpful Survival Guide for Freshmen

by Brandon Athey
Features Editor

Freshmen, now that you have spent a few weeks at Monmouth College and had time to soak in your surroundings and become used to campus life, I, senior Brandon Athey, offer a few words of wisdom to you college rookies. I call it Brandon Athey's College Survival Guide, or How to Subsist on a Nutritious Diet of Ramen Noodles, Easy Mac, and Mountain Dew.

First off is the ever-important subject of dorm life. Going from living with family to sharing a bedroom with a complete stranger is often a rough transition. Those who are lucky will be placed with an agreeable roommate and potential best friend, but unfortunately, it is often the case that many of you MC newbies are saddled with someone who has the irritating habit of leaving his smelly socks near your stash of Oreos. Or even worse, your roommate is a certifiable psycho who looks and behaves like the lovechild of Hannibal Lecter and Courtney Love. In that case, you can do one of three things: 1. live in fear, 2. find somewhere else to live (either at this college or in another country…your choice), or 3. cry. I personally find option numero dos to be the best of the bunch myself.

Another aspect to dorm life that takes some getting used to is learning how to share a communal bathroom. If you are from a large family, this should be no problem, but if you come from a small family, this could cause some culture shock. Not only is it difficult to learn how to live with using instantly biodegradable 1-ply toilet paper (how I miss my Quilted Northern), but it can be nauseating trying to use a sink filled with hair from its previous user. Solutions to this problem include: 1. declare war on personal hygiene, 2. live in a temperature-controlled plastic bubble like John Travolta once did, or 3. kindly ask those on your floor to clean up their mess (if they do not stop, beat them up, but options 1 and 2 are great alternatives to violence).

One of the most important aspects of college life is food. The dreaded Freshmen Fifteen is a battle all students face until their second year, when it becomes the Sophomore Sixty. Seriously though, learning how to manage a proper diet and keep in shape is a challenge for all college students. While there are plenty of culinary options available for MC students, some may discover their digestive systems tend to violently retaliate against caf food. For those who are exploring other options for food, 1. there are alternative places to eat on campus, including Scotland Yard and the Underground, 2. there is always cannibalism, or 3. buy Ramen noodles and Mountain Dew in mass quantities and hope for the best.

However, the most important part of college life is establishing a good relationship with your professors, because they make or break your college career. Ranting and raving, while it is fun and a stress reliever, it is not a good idea to spew verbal vitriol at your professor just because he or she gave you a bad grade. However, disagreeing is acceptable. Here are a few ways to deal with ego-crushing, soul-destroying professors: 1. Listen on occasion, because they may be right, 2. childish name calling, or 3. slash their tires when they are not looking.

Although I did not cover every aspect of college life in this installment, I hope that what I described here will help all you new freshmen at MC. May you have productive futures and careers.