No more box office ghouls!!!!

By: Kyle Christensen
Features Editor

Hollywood horror seems to go through awkward phases every three or four years. When audiences tire of masked men wielding sharp objects or psychological thrillers that are too convoluted for their own good, producers turn to the world of the paranormal (you know, ghosts, exorcisms, all that hoopla) and pray it can satisfy the critical viewer’s need for fear and bloodlust. And there’s no denying the strong impact that such a move can have. The success of films like “The Ring,” “Dark Water” and “The Grudge” prove that the very things that go bump in the night might be exactly what we need to keep us jumping in our seats right up to the ending credits. But is this approach finally beginning to wear off? Are we no longer creeped out by the hauntings of poorly constructed CGI demons lurking in the shadows? Let’s take a closer look at some of the genre’s summer releases and see what this formula still has to offer its devoted fans.

“The Descent” (Now in Theaters - Released Aug. 4, 2006):

A supernatural scare fest with feminist undertones? Truth be told, horror has always been an overtly chauvinistic field of entertainment, and this UK import is helping to make a clean break. Six close female companions on a weekend camping expedition explore an unmarked cavern in hopes that the trip will bring them all closer together, particularly following the trauma endured by our leading heroine (played by Britain’s gorgeous Shauna MacDonald), having lost her husband and young daughter in a fatal car crash the year before. While the bond among these women and the sense of claustrophobic containment is what gives the film its ultimate strength, the supposed cave-dwelling monsters they encounter are, well, utterly inferior. It’s scarier to think about what harm the group might be to each other, as inner secrets and betrayals rise to the surface, than it is to even flinch at the gangly creatures attempting to rip their throats out. At points, it becomes a perverse “Steel Magnolias” meets “Predator” hybrid, but alas, it’s still far superior to those of other current entries--see below.

“Pulse” (Now in Theaters - Released Aug. 11, 2006):

Wes Craven (the mastermind responsible for slasher gems like “A Nightmare on Elm Street” and the “Scream” trilogy) adapts the screenplay of a crummy Japanese shrieker into…an equally crummy American snoozer. Technology becomes our nemesis, as the specters in a cultish wave of suicides possess our cell phones and computers, even infecting us with a deadly plague via (drum roll please) a cursed pop-up screen. I guess those virus- blockers weren’t as powerful as we believed they were. Speaking of virus, Kristen Bell (of TV’s “Veronica Mars” fame) contaminates every roll of film with her unconvincing, wooden acting, and she has absolutely no chemistry alongside her co-stars, which include R&B cutie Kristina Millian and blue-eyed former “Lost” castaway Ian Somerhalder. A philosophical twist-ending barely compensates for its bland performances and predictable scares (although I’ll think twice before peeking my head into the laundry machine ever again; don’t ask).

“The Covenant” (Now in Theaters - Sept. 8, 2006):

Someone might have to bludgeon me with a hammer, tie me to a chair and glue a box of popcorn on my lap before I will even consider going to see this so-to-be-doomed cinema stinker. How can this movie fail? Let me count the ways. 1) The setting--a posh, exclusive prep school (if “Cry Wolf” couldn’t make it work, neither can this one). 2) The characters--do you suppose the casting call for this movie specifically asked for recycled Brat Pack wannabes with spreads of “GQ Magazine” listed on their resumes? Who wouldn’t be surprised? 3) The plot--something about witchcraft, in theory. The dueling teen sorcerers keep ranting about destroying their enemies to strengthen their “power.” The power to do what, gel your hair?! 4) If the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences finishes lynching the actors and director this week, they should target the film’s advertising department next. Every trailer and commercial has had the same configurations of shots--a single fight sequence, a girl walking around in a skimpy towel after a steamy shower and two bare-chested hunks swimming in a pool and engaging in some ominous trash talking. Or wait, was that a promo for “Laguna Beach”? Same-difference, I suppose.