Reality Check: “Survivor” withdrawal

By: Kyle Christensen
Features Editor

Jesus Christ may have risen from the dead three days after his crucifixion, but sadly, our loyal companion Channel 4-CBS has rested dormant on campus for nearly two months now and it seems as if it’s a long way from ever seeking its proper resurrection. Granted, the Monmouth transmitters performed its own brand of holy sacrifice on the national network in exchange for the highly coveted CW programming, so we at least have the escapades of “America’s Next Top Model” to fall back on for our estrogen-enraged fix now that “Flavor of Love 2” has lapsed into that abysmal black hole of pop mythology that we commonly refer to as “VH1’s Celebreality.”

Still, no CBS means no more Sunday primetime viewings of “The Amazing Race” (what the hell am I going to watch now, “Desperate Housewives”?!), and, more significantly, no more “Survivor.” Just hearing such a phrase uttered in even the most insincere tone should be blasphemy to the ears. True, “The Real World” predated much of the reality gambit by roughly a decade, but it was in “Survivor’s” clever casting quirks, elimination tactics and documentary style interfused with strategic gameplay that the long-overdue emergence of the television genre finally kicked into overdrive.

From there, the spawn of imitators staked their claim in the booming market, as shows like “The Bachelor,” “Dancing With the Stars,” “Project Runway” and “American Idol” soon became common placeholders in the evening line-up of our “TV Guide” subscriptions.

Truth be told, one can access all previously aired episodes of “Survivor” through Innertube, CBS’s direct online syndication affiliate, free of charge, but not only does each portion of a single episode take about the first trimester of an expectant mother’s pregnancy to download, but the feeling of captivation and excitement is lost when screening every confessional, every Immunity Challenge and every Tribal Council via a secondhand source. For reality junkies, like myself, it’s practically like sharing your deodorant with the person next door; yeah, it’s not the sleaziest thing you could possibly do, but it definitely ranks up there. Upon returning home for Fall Break, I personally experienced this sense of filthy fanaticism, surveying three weeks worth of episodes which my mother (a dear “Survivor” fanatic whom I converted early into the first season) had taped for me on VHS; that’s an unusual combination of letters, I know. Let me clarify: it’s what you watched movies on before you got a DVD player and it’s what you recorded your favorite television shows on before you got TiVo.

Anyways, watching three contestants get the boot not only drains too much out of you at one time, but in the back of one’s mind, you know that something isn’t quite right. The quality of the footage simply does not transfer well in that recording process. The necessary evil of having to sit through a string of tacky fast food chain-restaurant commercials is lost as you fast-forward through all the generic advertisements, and consequentially, omit that sense of suspense with having to wait for more satisfactory action to come. And finally, it feels almost like ancient history, as if you can intuit that you are still behind the rest of the world, and it’s going to be a rat race for the rest of the year to catch-up.

For now, though, I will have to cope with this loss one evening void at a time. It will not be easy, and I’ll never forget the fun times the Columbia Broadcasting System and I shared together, but somehow I’ll find the strength to persevere and begin a new chapter in my reality media ventures. So, ashes to ashes, dust to dust, here lies the remains of “Survivor” contestant torches, “The Amazing Race” roadblock cards, “Big Brother” Golden Power of Veto pendants, “Rock Star” guitar riffs and my trusty remote control. May they all rest in peace.