Reality Check: Where is the “Love”?

By: Kyle Christensen
Features Editor

Flavor of Love 2:

With only three ladies left to fantasize about walking down the aisle with amusingly befuddled bachelor Flava Flav (let me assure you, though, none of them should be wearing white in the traditional sense), it was time for the rap has-been to “meet the parents,” inviting the parents of the finalists over to the mansion for an extended meet and greet session, which for most was a time of joy and festivity (at least after they’d liquored up a bit) while a small minority turned the visit on its head with such highly accelerated drama, even “Grey’s Anatomy” staffers couldn’t script anything better.

Mama and Grandma Krazy:

The lone hillbilly family in the house, this ghettofied matriarch pair easily assimilated into Flav’s indulgent lifestyle, as they spent essentially the entire episode consuming every open bottle of alcohol in the house to the point where they were practically sweating vodka from their pores. Still, despite their drunken stupor, their obnoxious behavior led them to instances of volatile confrontations with the other moms (no amount of toxins in your body should ever tempt you to so matter-of-factly inquire if someone is from south side Compton or not. It’s cause they were black, wasn’t it?). Then, as if the embarrassment of their inebriated insanity hadn’t sullied their reputation enough, they had the audacity to play Krazy’s studio demo tape in front of the entire party of house guests (her voice, by the way: envision Mariah Carey’s high-pitched notes mixed with a 5th-grade choir recital and grotesque elephant bowel movements. That’s about the best description I can give by the limitations of the modern English language). No wonder Flav dumped the songstress later on that night; between her desperation for fame and that genetically inherited desperation for booze, her “flavor” was 95% sour, 3% sweet and 2% diarrhea of the vocal chords.

Mama and Papa Deelishis:

The apple didn’t fall far from the tree for Deelishis, whose parents were just as bland and dull as she. However, there were some slight noticeable differences in their behavior that only the perceptive clinically trained mind, or a local reality TV gossip junkie, could thoroughly evaluate. Mama and Papa Deelishis seemed to keep their mouths shut and hospitably conceal their cluelessness, whereas Deelishis’ collagen-plushed lips are always in motion, but nothing of audible intelligence ever pops out. Mama and Papa Deelishis would never go out of their way to make physical spectacles of themselves, yet Deelishis is constantly dressed in skimpy, revealing wardrobe while believing herself to be a humble and modest individual. And lastly, Mama and Papa Deelishis gazed in awe as Flav’s evening magic show featured the stereotypical act of sawing a young woman, in this case, their daughter, in half. As for Deelishis, my oh my is she oblivious as to how arch-nemesis New York will be equally cutting her to pieces in the final round.

Mama New York:

To put it briefly, women with an imbalance of testosterone are creepy. It’s no secret that Mama New York detests Flav, believing him to be an idiotic, sexist, all in all contemptible creature (and the truth has set her free). But is the degree of psychological damage she is inflicting on her child worth the ongoing battle to guard her from his bewildering charms? The most despicable example of her anxious manipulation came when Mama New York lied to her daughter, on national television, and said that she had been diagnosed with a rare, debilitating illness which required New York to return home immediately and tend to her health, only to admit less than three minutes later that it was just a ploy to lure New York back to her overprotective bosom. And mommie dearest’s wrath faced no end!!! The entire Flav manor wasn’t large enough to seclude her away in privacy, as she belligerently reprimanded the Krazy trio for being too loud and disturbing her beauty rest… from two-to-three stories down. Could it be a case of hypersensitive hearing to correlate with those hypersensitive emotions? Her tearful breakdown when she realized her baby girl had made it to the Top 2 was priceless, but as she stormed back through the front doors and insisted that New York pack up her belongings and prepare to leave, the three most dreaded words in all of prime time entertainment appeared on the screen: “TO BE CONTINUED…” Cliffhangers are the devil.