Women can’t read

By: Ross Plunkett
Contributing Writer

Yes, you read correctly, but I have more to say!

Citizens of the world, hear me! There is a globally hidden untruth that has gone on for too long! I haven’t the foggiest idea where I am, or who brought me here. It doesn’t look like I’m going to leave here alive. But before I am forced from this world, I have something to say.

Gentlemen, have you ever actually seen a woman read? Has a woman ever been able to tell you what something says? Think hard about these questions, and you will realize that the answer is no. The hidden truth is that no woman has ever been, or will ever be, able to read. I am here because I know this. I am sure of it now.

Be this an injustice, this is still not where the greatest injustice lies! For hundreds of years, women have been conditioned to the point of believing they are literate. Forced to undertake courses in grammar and literature, they have been subject to incalculable amounts of confusion.

Now, you may ask, why would the government keep this a secret? Why would they go to the extent of detaining anyone who happened to come across this? I have been asking myself this question for the last 22 years. No answers I have come up with seem to add up to any reasonable extent. However, this kind of thought in my situation is pointless.

The greatest injustice is that women are being forced to waste their lives on this intellectual wild goose chase without even knowing it. Without being bombarded by this propaganda, they could immerse themselves in art, or even music! My god, think of the millions of hours that have been wasted! All in the name of deception! They have been so conditioned brainwashed that when they open a book, they think they can see exactly what’s inside it!

When you learn of this, shout it from the rooftops! They can’t arrest all of us, can they? Who would be left to read, write and vote? We all know that this dreadful system will collapse when this information is put in front of the public eye.

My name is Ross Plunkett. I was supposed to go to college. I was going to be a music teacher! I was asleep, only four days away from leaving for school. Before I knew anything had happened, I was already handcuffed, only to be truly awakened by the closing van door behind me. After being knocked unconscious, I woke up here. In this cell. Three days later, sick of my inquisitions as to why they thought my parents wouldn’t go looking for me, they showed me the newspaper article explaining my tragic rock-climbing miscalculation. I have not seen sunlight, another human being or myself since.

I have been able to hold on to my sanity through Morse code tapped through the wall separating me and the assuredly innocent man on the other side. The taps stopped what I think might have been two weeks ago. I fear my time is drawing near.

I hear someone coming down the hall. If you find this, give it to the nearest newspaper or television station immediately! More than you can ever imagine depends on it. Sic semper tyranus!

The preceding message was found very neatly torn into a T-shirt from 1985, found in the back of a pickup truck heading north from Texas.

Editor’s Note: The preceding column is a work of satire, meant simply to be humorous. It is not meant to offend anyone; instead, it is meant for entertainment purposes only.