Reality Check: Race Wars-R-Us

By: Kyle Christensen
Features Editor

“Survivor 13: Cook Islands” (original roster: five African-Americans, five Asian-Americans, five Caucasians, five Hispanic-Americans)

The Ethnic Leaderboard:

1) Caucasians (4/5 remaining): Free-spirited roller chick Jessica was sent back to the skating rink three tribal councils ago, leaving four slabs of stale whitebread contenders in hunky Adam, balding Jonathan and the wicked witches of the east and west, Parvati and Candice. Though Jonathan has been the target of quite a few elimination plots, he may just have the potential to outlast at least the 20-something gal pals, who seem to talk the talk, but will be revealed to be sheep in wolves’ clothing soon enough.

2) Asian-Americans (3/5 remaining): It’s going to be a tough road ahead for the oriental trio. Jenny and Becky are fated to see their names popping up on voting ballots soon enough (considering Jenny’s flinching intimidation by the other players and Becky’s lack of competitive fervor), but if Yul can take on the powers of despondent companions of the past he’s watched get the boot (particularly Brad’s stamina and Cai Boi’s wisdom), we might be seeing him weasel his way into the Final 4.

3) African-Americans (3/5 remaining): Sekou and Stephannie are yesterday’s news, but Nathan, Sundra and Rebecca are no blue-ribbon castaways themselves. The ladies seemed to sail to the Cook Islands dead-on-arrival in the personality department, while Nathan appears a bit too zealous for his own good. His trusting nature and naïve desperation to establish acceptance in his tribe have made him a puppet to his fellow conspirators, as they are able to manipulate his every action in order to get what they want and have a scapegoat to point the finger of blame at later. There’s no saying how long this marionette will dangle in the balance before his strings are finally cut.

4) Hispanic-Americans (1/5 remaining): Four down, one more to go...loner Ozzy is doomed to fail. The others have said sayonara to Billy, Christina, J.P. and Cecilia, leaving the California waiter/former restaurant manager as the game’s isolated minority figure, ironically enough, and he’s slowly, but surely, losing his life support. Granted, Ozzy is now guaranteed a spot on the jury, which will ultimately decide the season’s inevitable winner, but it’s doubtful that he’ll ever come close to cashing in that million-dollar paycheck…unless he is able to pull a sneak attack and mow down some of his fiercest foes. Hey, a single blow to the leg relegated Nancy Kerrigan to the silver medal in the ’94 Olympics-- what wonder the savage human mind can achieve, even on non-violent terms.

Editor’s Note: [Ed: As a result of television scheduling in conflict with our publication date, one of the above mentioned contestants will have been shafted by the time you read this expert analysis. Give me a break, why don’t cha?!]