If I could recast...
‘A Christmas Story’

By: Kyle Christensen
Features Editor

Remakes are the hippest trend in Hollywood nowadays, and there’s no reason why every showbiz, hotshot director should prevent himself or herself from jumping on the bandwagon and raking in some dough. Still, there’s no accounting for taste when it comes to finding contemporary stars to fill in the shoes of our beloved cinematic icons of the past (flashback to summer of 2005’s “Bewitched” travesty and Nicole Kidman struggling to even find just an ounce of the charm and radiance that Elizabeth Montgomery as our favorite glamorous, nose-twitching sorceress possessed). Do you ever sit on your couch at home one rainy Blockbuster night, and think, “Heck, I could cast that movie better in my sleep if I had to!” Well, this cocky Features Editor may not have his foot in the door at any major studios quite yet, but he’s still willing to give his own personal insight into any great classic film and tell you how it could survive the box office battleground with the just the right cast roster. In time for the festive season, here is my treat to you reader: what would I do if could recast the darkly hilarious holiday masterpiece “A Christmas Story.” Go ahead and disagree with me-- I triple dog dare you!

Dan Aykroyd as Mr. Parker/”The Old Man”

Whereas actor Darren McGavin’s gruff, cantankerous portrayal of the working class father figure may have been faithful to the original source material (the entire plot is adapted from the autobiographical memoirs of author Jean Shephard), Aykroyd would bring with him more of a thinking man’s take on the stereotypical blue collar character. All the elements would still be there-- the unending consternation with the basset hounds next door, the incessant nibbling at that last bit of the Christmas turkey, the annual struggle to produce the best looking evergreen tree on the entire block-- but with a bit more class and sophistication. Aykroyd would be the parental figure that could scold your little brother for playing with his food at the dinner table, but somehow find a way to throw in a slew of ten-cent vocabulary words to make him feel like a moron on top of that.

Susan Sarandon as Mrs. Parker

For once, Sarandon’s lack of chemistry with her onscreen love interest would come in handy for the repressed and uptight housekeeper. The tension that would persist between her and Aykroyd would be something that a chainsaw couldn’t even sever through, which would drive the relevant marriage-in-distress aspect to even greater levels. Nevertheless, she could also play the role of the overprotective mother with refined skill. Sarandon’s work as a social activist would bring nothing but a tone of sincerity to her cautionary “You’ll shoot your eye out” catchphrase, and one would equally believe that she was stockpiling entire cabinets of those poisonous bars of soap for the next time the profane “Oh fudge!” should ever slip from one of her children’s lips.

Haley Joel Osment as Ralphie Parker

Considering that this was the part which sealed actor Peter Billingsley as one hit wonder for the rest of his professional life, it would seem only appropriate that Osment, the boy wonder of 1999’s “The Sixth Sense” would try on a pair of thick framed glasses for the cunning adolescent protagonist. I’m well aware that Ralphie is supposed to be barely out of middle school, and Oscar-nominee Osment has already blossomed into a strapping eighteen year-old handsome lad. Nevertheless, coming-of-age tales will always carry a bit of reverence in the hearts of most audiences, and the kind of disenchantment that many of us carry as apathetic teens terrors when every December rolls around would skyrocket the film’s moody cynicism into more subversive heights. Plus, pubescent voice-over narration, aided by a raging hormonal libido, might get Ralphie’s mind off of ho-ho-ho-hum matters, such as visiting Santa Clause at the local shopping center or afternoon sprints home to avoid schoolyard bullies, and into more enticing territory, if you catch my drift. Girlfriends, winter flings, and some unintended phallic symbolism in his longing for that Red Rider BB Gun could provide Ralphie with the modern-day pimp status to which we know he is rightfully entitled.