Reality Check: “New York,” New York, it’s a hell of a show!

By: Kyle Christensen
Features Editor

It was a good news, bad news quandary for devoted viewers of VH1’s “Celebreality” programming. Having found his soulmate (at least for now) in the second season of the hilariously bizarre “Flavor of Love,” rapper Flava Flav declared that he would not be returning for a third act of his popular urbanized send-up of “The Bachelor” and other dating shows. Nevertheless, our mouths began to water at the final reunion special when New York, the disreputably contentious floozy from both “Flavor” editions, announced that she would soon be launching her own televised search for the smarmy man of her dreams. And sure enough, fan anticipations were satisfied, and then some, with the salacious Jan. 9 premiere of “I Love New York” (no word from the “I ‘heart’ NYC” touring agency regarding whether any potential lawsuits are in motion).

A convoluted cavalcade of robustly pumped studs entered the Flavorette’s mansion, aiming to win her heart and garner their rightful title of indignity before grasping that they would actually be waking up next to the uneducated wildebeest of a woman every morning. Thankfully, our deplorable diva, in all her naïve disillusionment, is not going to have to weed out the competitors by herself, as only one of three panelists helping to determine just who would inevitably be crowned her Prince Charming. Along for the ride, she is equipped with her trusty token homosexual guy pal and personal assistant, Chamo, and the dragon woman herself, New York’s raging psychotic mother, Sister Patterson. Don’t let that “sister” moniker fool you, though; this is no kindly nun you’d find teaching a Sunday school class. In between Chamo’s effeminate commentary and New York’s inebriated banter, Sister Patterson is there to interrogate the men every second of the day and make them spill their guts on anything from their financial background, their family upbringing and even their sexual orientation, for those suitors she finds to have “a touch of gay to them.”

The ratings for the premiere episode were, reportedly, the highest for any broadcast ever in the history of VH1, and are steadily remaining at the top of the game. Notwithstanding the introduction of several other reality profiteers attempting to enter the arena (with the invasion of NBC’s “The Apprentice” and the “Grease”-inspired talent search “You’re the One That I Want,” and VH1’s own “The (White) Rapper Show” and “The Surreal Life: Fame Games” adrift in dead waters), “I Love New York” is most likely to be the Big Apple of the market throughout its entire run.

Even better, there’s no need to cross our fingers that she and her first Romeo won’t work out—her entertaining relationship train wrecks are the stuff of comic gold-- because there is no way she is compatible with any of the lame-brain losers she’s let vie for her affection. The quiet, calm and collected candidates have gotten the boot (our sorrowful goodbyes to cocky Jersey, charismatic Wood and holy roller Bonez), and remaining are the ignorant and fantastically clueless (including loud and proud thug, Chance, narcissistic body builder, 12 Pack and nerdy schmoozer, Mr. Boston). The rhyme or reason behind New York’s routine eliminations range in vast degree-- her disgust over T-Bone’s shifting lazy eye, Romance’s bipolar emotional outbreaks, and T-Weed’s ballsy lies toward his regular yearly income-- what would inspire a man to claim that he was worth more than a million dollars when his last place of employment, as revealed prior to his exit, was at a fried chicken restaurant? I guess we’ll never know...But what we have known since the beginning is that twists and scandalous surprises will continually pop-up the rest of the groundbreaking freshman entry.

You may love New York, hate New York or love to hate New York, but if I may quote the lass from her own lips during one of her many outrageous quarrels on “Flavor of Love”: “New York is in the motha f*#kin’ house!” And, God willing, she’s here to stay.