Campus to go dry in 2007

By: Danny Weber
Contributing Writer

That’s right, and no, the headline is not a typo. Due to recent problems Monmouth has faced with underage and binge drinking, next year all students will be prohibited from having alcohol anywhere on campus.

Whether you agree or not, it’s already been decided. The administration is unwilling to reconsider this drastic change. As of now, it stands as only a one-year trial, but it is more than likely that it will be permanent.

If you think security is bad now, just wait till next year. You can expect to see an almost 50 percent increase in the number of security guards on campus, and Monmouth College is even planning on hiring a couple of Monmouth Police officers.

The reasons behind the change are constant complaints coming from citizens and to ensure that Monmouth remains a top academic institution.

When interviewing Mark Willhardt, associate professor of English, on the subject, he said the following, “You better start singing ‘99 Bottles’ now, because, come next year, if they are not all gone, I will personally see to it that they be taken off the wall.”

When asked what he was currently working on and why he chose to go on sabbatical the semester before Monmouth goes dry, Willhardt gave no comment.

The change is not unfounded, though. A majority of the students have brought it upon themselves, with numerous police reports filed each week by Monmouth citizens.

Candice Stahp, a resident of Monmouth for the past 36 years, tells her story of one such incident. “It was late one Saturday night. Normally, I would have been in bed to get up early for church on Sunday, but one of my cats woke me up when she heard a sound out in the yard. I went in my window and witnessed three young hooligans smashing my lawn gnomes to pieces. I was in tears. I could do nothing but stand there and watch them. I mean, what can I do? I’m 71 years old. It was terrible. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get over it.”

The interview had to be stopped there, but Stahp said she would have settled for an apology and a reimbursement for the damaged property. But now, she said, she is happy Monmouth is going to ban the consumption of alcohol on campus. That way, there will be no more games of drunken gnome baseball.

The system will be enforced by a zero-tolerance policy. Any student found intoxicated will be immediately expelled from the college. The college expects the students to accept the no-alcohol policy and comply fully with it. They do not see any problems with its implementation.

“It’s hard enough having to deal with the students when they’re sober. Seeing them drunk is unbearable,” says Willhardt.

When told that students think the new rule is unfair and a bit too drastic, Willhardt responded with a statement which pretty much summed it all up, “Let them drink Kool-Aid!”

April Fools!